Today’s early Morons in the News finds a teacher who was caught keeping cocaine in her desk at school. She must have been getting a lot of work done at a very fast pace. Roxanne is dying to get MJ to talk about the Bagel Bites lawsuit. A lady in Wisconsin is trying to get the snack company sued because of “cheese fraud.”

Roxanne reveals to the rest of the gang that her semi-monthly housekeeper thinks she was on the real Dancing with the Stars on ABC. While Roxanne’s trophy from Dancing is legit, it’s actually just a local charity event by the same name. MJ reads a script of what Roxanne should tell her in Spanish. Bi-lingual callers comment on what they think of MJ’s Spanish-speaking skills.

MJ wants Fester to walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more. After MJ talks about a story about a man who walked from LA to San Francisco in a bear suit, MJ wants Fester to walk all around Florida dressed as a manatee. There’s an update on the Britney Spears conservatorship battle, and Adam Sandler was spotted at an iHop.